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Friday, April 5, 2013

investiga[tion]

I want to preface this by saying that I see this blog as a diary of sorts. A personal story. A place that I can write my thoughts and store them away. I have kept this post hidden for way too long. It is personal, and it's true. It's how I felt at a particular time, and continue to feel now. I feel my birthday is as good a time as any to share it, since it relates to beginnings, opening a new chapter, closing an old one. Here goes...

There was a challenge put out by The Lettered Cottage, a blog that I am truly inspired by. Layla had a link party in JANUARY OF LAST YEAR(!), where she was asking that everyone link up a post about what word will be your mantra for 2012. “This little word of mine…”



I know it seems odd, since here we are in 2013, more than a year later, and it's April no less, and I'm basically writing a new year's resolution post, but I had had a word in mind and had a post written back in January of 2012, but I didn't have the courage to share it. This was such a good process for me to decide what I wanted from the year. And in deciding on my word, I tossed around several words, but in the end zeroed in on, du, du, DU, dun….


Yes, FIND. There was a recurring theme that kept coming up when I wrote out what I wanted for the year.

I kept saying that I wanted to “find myself”. I had high hopes for 2012 (some of which like this one, still ring true for 2013). What is it that I want to do with this life of mine? I have no idea. Is architecture enough? Is it worth the struggle and stress? Quite possibly. Afterall, it is my passion, and it’s all I’ve ever known. But I still need to find my strengths, find my goals. It's a work in progress, no doubt. 

Also to “find time”. I always wish there was more time with family, more time with friends, more time for projects around the house, more time in the yard, more time exploring. More time for photography and blogging, and bowling! Yep, you guessed it, still searching for this one as well (actually even more so now)!

A big one for 2012 was to “find answers”. For almost 2 years (20 months to be exact), I struggled. And honestly I should say "we" struggled. And although it’s not a subject that I’ve broached on the blog (and I'm not completely sure that I want to share it now), we were trying to conceive. It was hard. Very hard. And after all the tests, blood work, procedures, tears, and consultations with friends, family, and professionals, there was still no clear answer as to why this was (or in our case, wasn’t) happening. And I needed to know why, so I could fix it! 

I feel like we tried it all. Routine visits to the acupuncturist, BBT chart tracking, which meant taking my temperature EVERY morning, endless supplies of 'test kits' and pregnancy tests, and most importantly disappointment. What worked? It wasn't until we had a plan in place. A plan to start IUI. Frankly it was somewhat of a last resort for us. Mainly because it was all we could afford. We had not however ruled out adoption, although that's not cheap either. But it was 'taking the pressure off', and 'letting go' that I attribute little Matilda to. Because you see, the month we were scheduled to start treatments, is the same month that we got that 'positive' pregnancy test. So "finding answers" isn't exactly what we did, but we did FIND what we were seeking. 

I know too, that FIND will always be there. It’s not going to resolve itself last year, this year, or any year in the near future, as I will always be searching for something, but it is nice to know that in years past, “find” has turned to “found”, as in most importantly I’ve found love, which is above and beyond the best thing I’ve found so far. I’ve found homes in cities that I’ve found made me happy, I’ve found peace in situations that were out of my control, I’ve found friendships that are true. There’s a lot of excitement and discovery in this word, and interestingly, according to dictionary.com…

FIND means…
  1. To come upon by chance.
  2. To locate, attain, or obtain by search or effort.
  3. To locate or recover (something lost or misplaced).
  4. To discover or perceive after consideration.
  5. To gain or regain the use of.
I love that the meanings somewhat contradict themselves, and in turn I want to accomplish each of those meanings. And who knows, in the end, maybe I’ll FIND that what I’ve been searching for all along is exactly what I have, and where I am, by both chance and effort, or not.

I like this little word FIND, I think I'll keep it around.

What word would you choose?

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